Chapter 6: The Collapse 2.0

 Unsure about what I was getting myself into, I was longing for change. I’d never felt like this before…I was scared, sad and alone.. alone in a room full of people.

After some thinking, I agreed with B.V. to meet at my place and tell me all about this medication he was using. 

For me, the most important thing was being able to sleep and even though I knew I had to face my issues and problems, some other ways are just a bit easier and faster.

*Ding Dong*

It was around 9pm when B.V. arrived at my place. We sat down on my couch and chit chatted about different things. We also talked about the first time we met at the party. What an amazing party that was. B.V. smiled and said: They are usually like that and that's why I like it so much. “You know Daniël..everyone is so free the moment they enter the party. Free to be who they really want to be in this chaotic life”. I nodded my head as I actually agreed with what he was saying.
After a while, the silence was getting louder in the room, when suddenly B.V. looked into my eyes and asked if I was sure and ready?

“I mean, I am as long as you assure me that it’s not bad or anything else.” He nodded his head and proceeded with getting all these things out of his bag. 

All the instructions were given step by step and especially dosage was repeated a couple of times by B.V.
“I will leave them here in the fridge and do not forget, I will also leave one in the back of the fridge. This is a reserve one which you can only touch if you run out of doses and my supply is not in time. So only when the new supply is not in time. Got it?”

B.V. then left and it was me, myself and I getting ready to go to bed. Suddenly I started doubting whether I should take it or not. But this lifestyle once again was not sustainable…I really needed something to calm me down but especially make me fall asleep fast. I looked at myself in the mirror, didn't really recognize myself anymore…how and why am I here…all by myself….lost..And even though I was blessed with everything, my life still felt incomplete.
After some thinking, I looked at myself one last time, again at the doses and without hesitating, just took it.

*No turning back* - *Lights out* 

As I was laying in bed staring at my ceiling…again… all these wild thoughts started running through my mind, I could feel this rush slowly going through my body. From my toes to my head, up and down. The street lights shimmering through my window were dimming closely and my eyes started feeling heavy. Again this rush, up and down. It didn’t even take 10 minutes when my body completely shut down and my eyes closed.

After at least 8 hours I woke up all energized. I wouldn’t say ready to take on the world, but the fact that I was able to fall asleep easily, was something I wanted and got.

Days and weeks went by and this medicine was now part of my daily routine. Also lots of different and sometimes intense dreams. The sadness and emptiness was still there. I couldn't really put a hold on it. It wasn’t like I was dragging myself through the day, it was more like just going, moving forward and not really knowing what I was doing.
Finally it was time for my pre masters in Accountancy to commence. I mean, after completing a bachelors, a logical next step was really starting with and finishing a masters degree. Well, that’s what I thought. Because to be honest, I was caught up in this society mindset, where a bachelor is a norm and that it will be hard to find a job with only that. And…ofcourse, being an accountant requires certain degrees.
Do I really want to become an accountant? To be honest…I don't know…I really don’t know, but it was 1) a logical next step based on my bachelors and 2) it’s recognized within the society……On the other hand, I did challenge myself to really go all in and fully focus on this new era in life. Getting through it as fast as I can. Stop the prescription drugs and also no alcohol. It was also because of a talk I had with one of my friends, explaining to me that the side effects are quite bad and that the addiction rate due to this medicine is quite high. This conversation really opened my eyes and it was true..I wasn’t addicted but it was getting to this point where I just wanted it and sort of needed it, which is ofcourse ridiculous.

Finally it was time for the first day of this new program and actually the first time on university (WO) level, I was all by myself walking through the buildings and big campus. You could really see the diversity decreasing compared to the University of applied sciences (HBO). Also very individualistic, classes were quite big and lectures were given in a big hall and it was really up to you if you paid attention or even attended one of them.
A big difference… a really big one. But different doesn't necessarily mean more difficult. It was just a different way of studying and approaching everything. On the other hand, I was still falling asleep naturally and no alcohol was in sight. The empty feeling, however, was still there.

After some months, falling asleep was getting a bit difficult again. Also, during the day my mind was running wild and my motivation to study and to attend the university was getting less and less. 

It was actually just all too much and unrealistic to keep on going..But if X can do it, why can’t I do it? And that's when the comparison with other people started. Constantly bring up scenarios in my head. Scrolling through social media didn’t really help me, because everything on there seemed like a success and made me feel like a failure….But critical reflection made me realize that I’m doing the same…only posting what I want to post and letting everyone think that I’m doing great in life…but the reality was that I was falling apart.. 

And I did fall apart, because even though it was hard to do, I made the decision to drop out of university. 

I really couldn’t take it anymore. It was too much and for me, at that time, unrealistic to manage. I failed… I failed big time, because if X can do it…why can't I? If he can have a master degree at 21? Why am I 24 and still don’t have that degree? I felt bad, but I was holding on to something that didn't want to be held…

It was a time where I stayed home as much as possible. I didn't want to be around people asking me how Uni was going and when I’m finishing and getting the degree. I was insecure and to be honest constantly busy with the idea of what other people will think of me….

And even though I was lost, I was happy with the decision I made. Finally choosing for myself. 

Unfortunately, this decision didn't really ease the empty feeling. It was still the same and falling asleep was with ups and downs.But I didn't have a choice as I was “sober”, had this goal and of course didn’t have any supplies from B.V. anymore. I also saw that his number was not in use anymore, so I had no idea how to get in touch with him. Also, THE GOAL!

After some days, falling asleep was getting more difficult and it was more downs than ups. To be honest… What was this thing keeping me awake? I mean…yes.. I dropped out, but still got my bachelors? I don’t have a clue where and what I want to be…..but should I really know it right away and now? Am I a failure? What about the others doing so well in life? All these questions ran through my mind each and every day.

It was driving me crazy…I tried to postpone sleeping by watching TV and staying up all night until I was getting super tired. And one night, as I was watching MTV Music Hits..I looked around me, with only the tv shining light… randomly looking and all my furniture in my room. left right…up and down… when eventually my eyes land on the fridge…

WAIT! the fridge! “Extra doses! extra doses by B.V, only when supply runs out”. 

I stood up as quickly as I could, ran to the fridge and opened it! It was there, the extra dose B.V. was talking about…I took it and looked at it… But I also thought about what my friend said to me months ago which made me “sober” for quite a while now. With my back to the fridge, doses in my hand, placed on my heart.. Should I do it or not? One last time? I closed my eyes and really tried to figure out what I should do…I know it’s not good...and I thought I could quit it…but…It’s so hard to say no, when you are dancing with the devil…

*Shot, took it* - No turning back* - *Lights out* 

This time the rush was more intense and I fell asleep even faster than the previous times.

‘Huh…Hey V.K.…what are you doing here? You look so beautiful today, actually like you always do. And even though my heart was broken, I was happy to see V.K.. There was a child as well and together in the kitchen they were playing this board game. Not sure why, but it always comes back to V.K. And as I was slowly approaching V.K, I heard the conversation between the two of them. They laughed and seemed so happy together. This child not worried about anything and V.K. assuring all will be alright.
I couldn’t see the faces clearly..step by step I was trying to get closer….when suddenly V.K. turned to me…WAIT! WOW! Thats not V.K.

*Shocked, woke up directly*

Heart beating fast…. silent…heavily breathing…Thinking about the fact that this dream just gave me direction….I believe I now know why I have been feeling like this for a couple of months.