Chapter 10: The End

I noticed this strange feelingI had after the summer. My summer 2022 was an unforgettable one…but the moment work started, I felt this crazy dip. I’m not sure but sometimes I think it has something to do with COVID being over.
The moment COVID started, people including myself went into survival mode. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed the ‘slow times’, but It was quite a huge adjustment with no time to easily and slowly adjust. 

On the other hand, it was also my new work opportunity which really made my feeling even worse. I was promised ‘A’ but was really doing ‘C’. And it was not something out of my comfort zone, the job was really something someone from high school would do as a ‘side job’. I was literally ‘copy-pasting’ text into a word document and sending it out to clients. I swear…….Can you believe it?
Don’t get me wrong, in any career there will be moments where you need to do something you don’t like doing…but that is temporary..This was ‘until further notice’.

I was scared..got really scared…..And decided to start the conversation with the responsible person. I honestly said that this is not something I want to do and I believe it doesn't benefit my career perspective.
Unfortunately, responses were vague.. They understood me but the perspective was still unclear. 

I couldn’t believe what was overcoming me..How could I have made such a mistake? I had several interviews but we never discussed this kinda work.. Never ever…I mean, I have to admit that I wanted to escape my previous role as soon as possible and that I made the decision to transfer to this department a bit emotionally, but the work was really different from what we discussed. 

Devastated…sad…and really not knowing what to do. Going to bed was a drama as I was being confronted with my thoughts and waking up was another hell… as I really had to push myself to go through the day. 

The feeling was getting worse and worse as I felt like I took 10 steps back in my career. I was living for the weekends, really wanting my week to go as fast as possible.

Luckily F.K. was a big support during these months. Still waking up everyday to this goodmorning/motivational message. I was in such a bad space, but F.K. really understood the feeling and it felt great to be understood. I was unable to share my struggles but was also thinking to myself ‘Why now?’ …Why…when I meet someone my career goes downhill?
Often on my coach… just staring out of my window…thinking of why this is happening to me.…ofcourse bad times are temporary and nothing is forever…But why now? Now that I have finally found love….. 

And even though F.K. was there every day to support me…I also had my doubts.. Can’t really explain where it was coming from but just these random feelings of….is this it? Couldn’t really get a hold on it…But I was sure it had something to do with my insecurities and commitment issues. So I was really trying to ignore these feelings as I convinced myself that I had to get over this ensure/commitment issue period. Also..once you have been single for quite a while, you get used to being alone and “independent’. But also scared to get your heart broken….

One night, I decided to call F.K. and just be honest about how I was feeling about all of this.. Also the fact that my career was a horror roller coaster was not benefiting my overall mood. I found it important to really be honest about all of this. Luckily, F.K. understood me and really offered me the time I needed. 

After some weeks, I decided to really apply for different roles outside of my organizations. I needed to leave this environment as soon as possible. Letter after letter…rejection after rejection. From the 15 roles I applied for…I got rejected by all. Not joking at all.. It was devastating.. I felt even more insecure creating all these scenarios in my head…that I wasted my time and that the experience I gained, was not being seen nor appreciated by others. 

Again F.K. was there to support me…after every rejection, sending me even more love and strength to keep on moving. As a person, I really appreciated this…It was the first time someone was so actively involved and really supporting me in every way possible. Usually I’m the one doing so….and never talking about my own struggles. I’m usually the one helping others and I don't regret doing so…But it is just that at some point…how strong you might be, you as a person also need that support.
One day, we were spending time at my place, watching TV and laying on the couch..not per se saying something to each other…but then F.K. came closer, looked me in the eyes and said: “Danië,l it will all turn out just fine.”

“I really appreciate the fact that you are so caring and really being there for me F.K. I really really appreciate it. Please, never forget that”

Each night, we kissed each other goodbye as long as possible and promised to see each other the next day at the gym or wherever.

Time was again flying by, with no change in sight. The only thing was moving forward and really dragging myself through it all. I even considered quitting and just seeing where life would take me…But I reassured myself that even this is temporary and that I will get over it. There might always be an easy way out, but that's not per se the right one….

F.K. was a good distraction and also kept me going. F.K constantly assured me that better times will come and that I will find that new job which will make me happy.
However after some time, it was time for F.K. to visit family and leave the country for almost 6 weeks.

The day before the departure I spent time with F.K. as I insisted on coming over. I did want to come, but my social battery was getting lower and lower..

We spent the night watching movies and really enjoying our time together. It was peaceful and really talking about F.K.’s family, what they will do and how they would spend their time together.

During F.K.’s trip home, we constantly facetimed each other. It was actually me who always called during lunch break as we were chit chatting about everything and F.K.’s time there. It was sweet, because I was constantly being told that I was missed but it was also now me rating the outfits.. haha.

After a while, I did mention something about the fact that it was me who was constantly initiating the calls. I mean I don't mind… but why always me? Was it too much? Was I too much? I don’t know.. but I have noticed… also with other friends…. that they actually never call me first… 

Some of the days F.K. did call me, but most of the time it was really me initiating the calls. We were still in touch every day, mostly talking about our days, how we cope with work and also what we would do when F.K. was back in the Netherlands.
Something to really look forward…but as the days nearing when F.K. would return to the Netherlands, the contact was not on a daily basis anymore. It was strange and really nothing for F.K… So I reached out and directly asked the question regarding this. F.K. replied over the phone saying that it is always hard to leave family behind and return to the Netherlands and that the emotions are a bit all over the place…. And I understood that, because I have the same when leaving Suriname. Mostly two days before my departure I’m getting this sad feeling that I don’t want to leave…So I understood the feeling of F.K. and agreed to give space where needed. Totally understandable.
I did send a message on the departure day, wishing F.K. a safe flight.

That was the last time I heard from F.K. Never received a message of arrival…nothing.
It was strange as I did see F.K. online on WhatsApp. The second day I reached out….asking straight away why I didn't hear anything and what actually is wrong given the fact that I wasn’t receiving any messages anymore.

And that's when it all turned black….

“My emotions are running all over the place and to be honest..I’m looking for love at first sight..meaning…you are not what I’m looking for” is the text I received from F.K.

What The F…

I was sad… devastated and in a way heartbroken… I started to understand these moments where I was doubting this whole F.K. Situation. It was once again a confirmation to always trust your gut feeling..and I think god really gave me signs..

Again my life was thrown upside down and now together with the work shit I was going through..

I was actually also mad.. because just ignoring and not being honest… is the saddest thing someone can do.

I really struggled with the fact that from one day onto the other…It was suddenly over.
This reality really sucked, but it also made me realize that my heart still works….of course this was not the way I wanted to find out..but it really was the reality.

Now with work and my life being a complete mess….It turned me in a complete mess..I wasn’t enjoying anything anymore…I was horrible to be around and really wanted to leave the Netherlands. With this last part I was also struggling a lot…really wanted to leave the Netherlands as it was/is not benefiting my happiness anymore.
Weeks went by and the same shitty feeling stayed.

How could I actually have everything? But I still feel like this. I tried to put things in perspective but how hard I tried, the feeling wasn't actually changing.
Why can’t I find love? What is it about me that I still haven't found? To be honest I really thought I found the one, because it also happened when I least expected it…

But it was not the one..

As I kept on struggling with both work and this…I realized and told myself that there is something so much better waiting for me out there. It’s been a journey so far here in the Netherlands. I achieved so many thanks…things that I dreamed of when being in high school. I'm actually so fortunate to be able to wake up everyday, have a roof over my head, be able to eat, two diplomas, a corporate job, go on vacations and friends who love me.
I actually never really took the time to realize all of this…really being able to stand on my own feet and provide for myself.
In this life we are constantly moving forward and forward, sort of doing what is expected from us based on society standards. But..when do we take the time to really smell the roses? When do we take time to really stand still, take it all in and really be grateful for how far we’ve come.
I never actually did it…and to be honest this was my reality check…My reality check to finally stand still, let things slow down and appreciate and be grateful for how far we’ve come.

It is “MY” time… to pay the road toll of this journey….the toll that slowed me down, brought me with both feet on the ground making me put things in perspective…And really decide how this next journey will look like.
Because my whole life, since I was child…There was never a moment where I stood still and processed certain things. I was constantly on the go..

One night, already midnight, I was laying on the couch. It was quiet with only the TV playing in the background. I really thought to myself…how could this happen to me? I have basically everything…. But in fact I was super sad and lonely…not knowing what would come next..I always smile from the outside but this time I was hurt…
After a while I suddenly realized that there might still be a medication package from B.V. in my fridge

“remember Daniël…only when you're out of stock” ….

”Remember Daniël…only when you're out of stock”..

I ran towards the fridge to check after almost 3+ years…. And it was still there..never left my side like others did…

I promise I’ll get help
It wasn’t my intention…I’m sorry to myself!

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Thank you so much for reading my blog!