Chapter 5: The Collapse

 Everyone started laughing and I immediately looked at D.L. with a sort of surprised, funny and shocked face… Oh-My-God. I couldn't believe what I was seeing and D.L. replied funny with “It is what it is”.

To be honest Im not easily shocked and I always just go with the flow without judgment, but I have to admit, this is not something I’ve seen before..10 grams of Cocaine on the table. And everyone was invited to do as many lines as they wanted. This is something I’d only seen in movies before. But this was real and actually lots of people started “having fun” and enjoying themselves at the tables.

After a while I was asked to join, but I thanked them as I was not into it and a bit scared to be honest. But once again, no judgment and we continued the night chatting, laughing and dancing. It was super fun and I have to admit, the guests were getting looser, talking way more and sharing some insights than before.

I then had a conversation with B.V.( who I met at the party and who was a doctor in the Netherlands) about the party and if he was enjoying himself. “Of course I am..I mean, look at the table and look at my nose.. haha. How about yourself?” I actually am. I mean, meeting all kinds of different people and seeing them and myself enjoying the party, is actually super fun.

I then asked B.V. about the drug he was using and if he was feeling anything in particular.

“it’s simple, you feel energized, sharp, ready to take on the world, but especially sharp and not tired at all”

But how do you sleep then? I replied

“Prescription drugs, I mean, I am a doctor, right? ahah. I just get it myself and before going to sleep, I just take it and fall a sleep. I also use it when I work and my schedule gets hectic. I do think that it can be addictive though… but … it helps me really well”

Very interesting, I was thinking to myself. I mean, he knows what he is doing right?

With time passing by, the party starts getting better and better and people getting looser and looser. After a while, at 6am, I called my uber and it was time for me to go home. I greeted everyone and said D.L. my goodbyes.

What an experience it was. Seen things I never imagined seeing and also met some really fun and interesting people. Just a different crowd than I was used to. Everyone is just doing what they like to do and no one ever judges one another. I like it!!! Just be free, so free that you just don’t care.

But especially the last part is hard back home in Suriname. Going back home was a feeling like never leaving and I enjoyed being home. But now, with international experience, you notice differences so much easier. And not be negative, but just different. Things that were super easy, but made so difficult here back home. One of the main things was really customer service…oh my god… horrible. It’s like people really don’t care and I think they sometimes really don't care haha. But I enjoyed being home and being around my own people. The atmosphere felt great and words can't really explain it. It’s just HOME!

Party after party, food after food, and just RELAXING.

What I did notice here in Suriname is that people do put up an act. From thinking they are super important, which they are not, but due to hierarchy culture, they “have” to? And also the fact that people can’t really be them 100% selves. And this in any point of view. I’ve noticed that people are also really reserved and often think about what other people will think. And without being conscious, I also went into that act, constantly thinking about what others would think of me, and of course dimming the way I behaved. Also because people always find it necessary to talk about others and spread the word about what happened. But again, Suriname feels and IS home to me, but basically a town where everyone knows each other. I always wonder if you can really be your true authentic self here…I mean, isn’t that the point of life?

After some time it was time to go back to the Netherlands and finish my last university year.

With a heavy heart and not wanting to leave. It was really time to go. Such a strange feeling, leaving home to go home. And even though the Netherlands was not per se home, it did feel like home. However, in the Netherlands I will never be accepted as one of them. I will always be that person, who is from Suriname… that “Allochtoon”. And to be honest, I actually do not care, because I know where I come from and I’m proud of it. However, you do get used to things here in the Netherlands and at times I felt out of touch with Suriname, which brings you in a sort of gray area, not knowing where you actually belong.But time was going fast, the last exams were approaching, and only a thesis was left to write. These 4 years of studying went by so quickly. I’m happy that I took this step, because even though at the beginning things may seem long and unclear, it’s important to just take that step and keep moving forward. The good and the bad will come along the way, but that is what will define you as a person. It’s hard sometimes, but giving up is never an option. It is difficult, sometimes really difficult, with no end in sight, but everything will always turn out just fine, and especially at the right time. Looking back on my university journey, I had teachers who literally said “school programs in Suriname are on a lower level”, “Oh, you really did VWO?”, “oh you are from Suriname; they usually quit after one year because it’s too difficult”

There was even a time where another non-western student and myself, literally copied a paper from my two Dutch friends, and we were given a 6 and they were given an 8.

Finally, the time had come, the last results were in, and I'd just defended my thesis successfully with an 8. One key thing that really helped was the relationship management with my thesis supervisor. From the beginning I really set out a clear planning and key moments when we were supposed to meet. At the beginning these calls were put on the agenda, so that we both had a clear understanding of what needs to be done and adjusted and how we will proceed.

I directly phoned my family to tell them that I made it and that I graduated. They were extremely proud. Phone calls and messages kept coming in while I was on my way home with the metro...

And even though this was an amazing milestone, there was an emptiness inside. Didn't really know why…Really strange, to be honest. Arriving home, I went directly to bed to nap as I was quite tired. Maybe I was just tired because of all the stress and relief coming off?

A couple of days went by and I was still feeling this emptiness inside of me.

Hmm… again… maybe I was just tired….But the emptiness also turned into a bit of an anxious feeling. Really strange, I have to admit. But as I said, keep moving forward, so I did.

Party after party, drinks after drinks. Nights that turned into early mornings. And every time I had to go back to sleep, the anxious feeling was around the corner. It got really bad at some point, where I didn’t really want to go home by myself. I started phoning random people for after parties, so that I wasn’t alone... I just couldn’t handle his anxious feeling keeping me up all night when laying alone in bed at night.

But this lifestyle was taking a toll on me. Night after night, trying to escape that anxious feeling. Not sustainable at all… but it felt better ignoring how I really felt. I was scared. I was lost I think..

And one night, I was by myself in my room.. looking into the mirror and not really recognizing myself. I think it also has something to do with constantly being on the go, never really a resting moment to reflect and figure things out. Just go, go and go… And now that the hectic university period was over and me being in a complete rest/reset mode, all things collapsed…

Why am I not happy? Why am I feeling like this? I should be proud of myself, right?

But I was just feeling numb…..And as I looked myself deeply in the eyes.. With complete silence around me, I received a whatsapp notification:

*Ring*

-Message from B.V-

“Hi Dan, I saw your message. Sorry for the late reply. Are you sure you wanna start with that prescription drug from me?”