Chapter 4: Lost

 It was a phone call which I somehow expected but hoped never happened. I was sad and really didn’t know what to do. Hearing that things won't work out is something you really don’t want to hear, especially from the person you have lots of feelings for.

I still remember the day we met downstairs at the Train station in Amsterdam South. I was late and K.L was waiting for me downstairs. Moments later when I arrived, the station was quite busy and chaotic. A bit nervous but enthusiastically I was looking for K.L in the crowd. Couldn't see K.L at first and as I was two steps down, I suddenly saw K.L standing downstairs.. WOW…just wow.. and as I stopped walking down the stairs, my heart literally skipped a beat..and at that moment I knew that K.L was  the one for me. I can't really describe the feeling, but I still remember it like it was yesterday.. I mean I never really knew a heart could skip a beat. haha.

Coming back to the call, reality hit and the message was clear.. “I can’t be with you, we are at different stages in life and therefore this will and needs to stop, unfortunately”. Another reason was really the religion part. K.L being muslim and myself a christian. I was devastated and really didn’t know what to do. Converting to another religion wasn’t really an option. I do believe that all religions are eventually the same…but it was difficult and maybe we didn’t like each other that much? Or just not ready for all of this? To be honest, I don't know..and soon the discussion went down a dead end.

As I hung up the phone, I was looking outside of my window and just seeing all of my dreams and hopes being shattered.. “FU*KKKKKKKKKKKKK”.WHY???
I really didn’t want to believe that it was over…but it was. My mind was running wild and I didn’t really know what to do. I’ve just lost the love of my life…yes that was K.L for me.. And even though it might not be the same for K.L….I don’t regret all of this, because I’ve experienced what it’s like to really like someone and it confirmed  that my heart actually works. However, this all came to an end and I must admit… I lost.

Life went on, heart no perse, but standing still wasn’t an option. University duties were calling and I had to put my focus to it all. The focus part was difficult and also noticeable…however, somehow, I did manage to go to every class but I sought distraction in different ways. It started with going out on multiple days in the week, hosting parties and trying to organize trips with my friends. One thing I have to admit, I’m super grateful for the close people around me…although I can be a difficult and stubborn person, my intention and support are always pure. Luckily so far, I’m receiving the same back, which helps in the “healing process”.
Party here, Party there... I was slowly forgetting about K.L as my focus was on constant partying and enjoying life with friends. It felt super good but the hangovers were getting worse and worse. 

Every Friday was Rotterdam night, where we started the night with pre-drinks at my friend’s place. After a couple of drinks, we went to the club where we usually stayed until the end. It was super fun and constantly setting boundaries with regards to drinking. Besides the hangover the other day, I noticed that when I was getting tipsy from the alcohol,  I had the urge to message K.L Sometimes I managed to not send a message but other days I failed, which made it very awkward the next morning. It also gave me a feeling of ‘failure’...like still being attached to something/someone but you actually do not want to. And ofcourse, the other one is not feeling the same. 

But despite that, life was going good. I passed my university classes and we were enjoying and dancing more nights away. I felt in control but somehow not..
Was I fooling and just numbing myself with this behavior?
I don't know…but my motto was “if University is going well, why not just go on..?”

At moments I did have times where I thought that it was all a little too much, but hey! Again..University is going well…what can stop us? And it was my student period, I had to make the best out of it. And lastly,  as a person, I get thrilled by stepping out of my comfort zone and especially exploring boundaries

As the weather was getting warmer, me and my friends started planning some Europe trips. We first planned Paris, then Barcelona and after that France, Nice to be exact. I must admit, we had so much fun. Exploring different cities with your best friends is really something I encourage everyone to do. It’s fun and memorable. From dance clubs to historical site visits to being on a boat in the ocean, we did it all. Quite intense as we usually stayed for 3 to 4 days and wanted to do as much as possible. But we made it work and everyone was easy going and got along with each other super well. One thing is for sure, if you really want to know how someone is? Go with them on an international trip. haha.

After several trips and a semester, it was time for our summer break. In the Netherlands, summer means you have leave from school but summer (hot) weather isn’t always guaranteed. I decided to go to some festivals, parties, visit another European city and go back home to Suriname for some time.
Luckily the weather was good in the Netherlands and I enjoyed my time as much as possible. Doing something every day and trying to enjoy every second.
One night I was invited to a private party. A friend of my friend was hosting it and asked if I wanted to join the party. The person who was hosting the party was well known for always throwing super fun and wild parties. So I agreed to go and was curious to see how people party in the Netherlands, especially in a private setting. The theme was ‘Just be yourself’.

Finally, it was party time and I decided to wear a tropical chic outfit that matches where I'm from and of course the summer period.
“Hey, Where are you? I’m already in front of the building” Coming..
My friend D.L. picked me up and together we went in the elevator all the way to the top floor. The music could be heard outside of the apartment and as I wanted to ring the doorbell, the door was being opened by a host.
“Welcome, would you like to have a glass of champagne?” Uhm… Hi… yes..
We then entered the place and wow! Couldn’t believe my eyes. It was a super beautiful house. A very nice place with a view all over the city of Amsterdam. Expensive I can tell. An apartment you usually see online or in movies. The living room was huge, with a nice big table, bare and kitchen inside. There were already lots of people and I started to introduce myself. The crowd was a bit older but seemed super fun to me. I’ve noticed that some older people just like to hangout in a mixed crowd and I think the diversity (in age) makes it indeed all more fun.
I was a bit uncomfortable at first, also because I didn’t know anyone. But luckily my friend was by my side the whole time and introduced me to some people. I have to say..and people always say it’s not true, but I’m a really shy and often introverted person. I find it difficult to take the first step in approaching people since I do not know how to start a conversation.

Finally THE friend (a.k.a the host) came and I introduced myself as the friend of D.L. “Thank you for having me and I have to say, your house looks amazing”. He replied with “Thank you and welcome. make yourself at home and enjoy”.
We started drinking and started talking with each other. I’ve noticed that in the Netherlands, the first thing people ask is, “what do you do for a living?”. And to be honest, I’m a bit unsure why people do it, but the reply always changes the conversation…Which is ofcourse sad. But I couldn’t care less, I’m a student almost graduating with my bachelor's.
I’m not entraked by status, money or whatsoever. Just do you! Just like the theme of this party.
After a while, more people joined the party and I was a bit shocked as some famous influencers and two famous dutch politicians came in. Not per se starstruck, but just funny? to see them in person…Cool and also down to earth.
Now that everyone was here, you could notice that drinks were flowing faster and that the party officially started.
I then looked around me, tried to pause everything and really let the moment sink in. Can’t really believe that I am here…A small world they usually say? And suddenly the host paused the music and asked everyone to be quiet.. I then looked at D.L, with a face like … “what's happening?” I started looking around me and had eye contact with some people as well. Thinking to myself, what the hell is happening, the host said:

“Everyone……from now on, you are not allowed to use your mobile phone and I hope we can respect each other's privacy”. He then smiled, made hand gestures to the table and said: ENJOY

Oh my F-ing God…….