Chapter 3: The experience

Everyone immediately looked at me; some started laughing, and the teacher asked me to be quiet. I was stressed, disappointed and really didn’t know what to do. I didn't recognize any of the questions...How would I ever pass this exam? How do I make sure to stay within the Netherlands? I mean, what would people think of me?

I was lost, my world collapsed, and even though I wanted to try and make the best of it, my brain became numb. I started looking outside, people enjoying the summer and here I was… getting ready to go back to Suriname. I again looked outside, started imagining and seeing my two years flashing in front of me. I mean, I was grateful for the opportunities, the ability to just be here and experience two years in a foreign country.. But jeez, I was a failure.

I was sad. Devastated and as tears started rolling down my cheeks, the teacher yelled: “STOP! People STOP! I handed out the wrong exams.. These are for other students, with a later exam time.

I didn't really know what was happening, but one thing was for sure… a rush of positive and hopeful energy was running through my whole body…

Some students in the class were asking “what do you mean?” She responded with “yes.. I handed out the wrong exams, and the ones you have are not yours”

“So are we getting new ones? More time? What's happening”

The teacher started handing out new papers and again this hopeful rush went through my body. Then the teacher reached my table and gave me the new exam. I immediately skipped the first page to look at the exam questions and finally I recognized the questions. Pff fff… what a relief… oh my god… I immediately started working out the questions and I was quite confident actually.. I started smiling, looking outside, and these flashbacks were again at the point where I currently was in life…that point was finishing off year two and getting ready for a well deserved summer vacation.

Finally, the exam was over and I headed straight home. Such a relief knowing that an important exam went well and that I could enjoy a summer full of plans.

As I was walking home, the wind was blowing through my hair and everything felt so good. I tried to look at all the details and different people on my way home. At some point I took the time to sit on a bench and tried to stop time for a moment. Of course impossible, but possible if you just take a moment, deep dive into yourself and sort out what is so important to you. So I did that, closed my eyes, and really tried to visualize my future. Even though I hadn't figured out what I wanted to do in life, I was happy where I was at the moment. As said earlier…life isn't about the destination; its about the journey and trying to embrace every step/second of it. It felt great, just reflecting and having the time “stopped” for a while. I continued my way home as I wanted to rest a bit before heading to the city to party.

Finally it was time, as I planned, to go to the city with friends and one of them asked if he could bring his siblings along, which of course wasn’t a problem.

The feeling of excitement was so high. Passed all the exams, making myself and my family proud and feeling ready to take on the world. Ever had this feeling, like everything is just working out for you and you just feel so happy.. You're full of life and just so full of positive energy?. And with that energy, I went to the city to meet my friends. By metro it takes me 15’min and I was in the metro, looking around and patiently waiting for my stop, actually the last stop. The thing I love about studying and living in Amsterdam is really the diversity of people.. Everyone is just doing their own thing, never really knowing what someone is up to, and also the reality that you will probably never see them again.

“Welcome to the last stop, Stop Amsterdam Central Station”

Here I was, ready to go into town..Just celebrating a full year of university and ready to just enjoy every second. I immediately searched for my friends and with some phone calls and apps, I found them in the crowd. Everyone congratulated me and my friend introduced me to his siblings.

“Hey… I am Daniël.. Nice to meet you”. - “Hi.. I'm N.L” and “Hi… I'm K.L” .. I froze a bit at the last introduction as it somehow caught my attention, but I really couldn't touch upon what exactly was going on.. “such a long handshake?“. “Ohhh im sorry.. Haha” as I laughed it off… and continued talking to the other friends. What is the plan? Shall we just go bar-hop and see where the night takes us? Fine by me!

We started with shots and started to drink the night away.

It was nice, alcohol started flowing through my body and it felt like nothing could stop me.

Life felt amazing and as we were dancing my eyes caught the dance moves of K.L. So free, on rhythm and beautiful. I didn't want to keep staring, but the way K.L. moved was really magical to see. I didn’t really know how to act. I actually wanted to ask K.L. for a drink, but not sure how I could initiate the conversation. I must say I’m a sort of introvert, overthinking, a lot of stuff, and especially scared of rejection. On the other hand, K.L. was part of our group, which makes it easier to converse with.

Finally, I had the courage and started to talk to K.L. However, the music was quite loud, which made it difficult to understand each other. “Do you want something to drink maybe? No… I actually don’t drink..But we can have soda or water if you want?

Of course, lets grab some and we moved to the bar where I bought K.L. a drink. “Are you enjoying yourself?” Yes…but it’s getting a bit late and I actually do not want to make it too late. How about you? “I mean, I am…I’m talking to the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen. haha”. And we both started laughing and agreed to go back and dance.

Time flew by and everyone was getting a bit tired, so we agreed to go back home. Not sure how or why, but K.L. and myself had to go the same direction to take the bus home. The streets were quite busy and it would take us around 20minutes to walk to the bus stop. We said goodbye to everyone and I thanked them for a super lovely night. I really, really enjoyed every second of it. Let’s make this summer an unforgettable one!

As we were walking, K.L. and I started talking with each other. More like introductory talk, getting to know one another. K.L. seemed smart, chill, fun, and especially down to earth. If there's one thing that I find really attractive, it's that someone is just down to earth and just like being themselves. We walked, we laughed, and K.L was showing me the city of Amsterdam at 4.00am. Even though we were quite tired, we kept on making jokes and laughing while we were going up and down on these canal bridges.

“No but seriously K.L.…….You are really the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen”. We again laughed it off a bit and continued the walk, which started to feel like a marathon. “Ahah..Seriously..Where is this bus stop?” K.L. didn’t have a clue, and no joke..After 40 minutes, we were at the same stop, the same bar, where we met and danced the night away. “Are you kidding me? hahah….I guess we were both too engaged in the conversation.. Hahah” And finally we agreed to use Google Maps to guide us to the bus stop.

Finally we arrived and were ready to go home. “Take care K.L., and it was super nice meeting you. Hopefully I’ll see you soon”. Yes! Likewise. Then we exchanged Facebook accounts”.

Over the summer period, we started talking and seeing each other a lot. It was super nice and super relaxed summer. It’s just so nice to get to know someone better, exchange thoughts and discuss different points of views. It felt magical, actually, and every time we got the chance to see each other, we did. After the summer, it was mostly on the weekend as we were busy with our studies and didn’t have that much time during the week. But that was fine..We messaged and called each other almost every day. It felt great… just spending time together and for me the location didn't matter. I’ve realized that I do not need a lot..I’m grateful for super small things. Of course, doing lots of different things is also important. But I can be the happiest person if you just stop by, make dinner together and with our cheapest and ugliest clothes watch tv and enjoy a movie.

We even met one time, where we both fell a sleep on the sofa. I must admit…I’m not sure if that is something positive or not, but honestly it was the best nap I ever had. haha.

As time passed…I did reflect on this….How should I call it… situationship? I mean, we never met each other's parents…and not sure if we actually did tell them about it.. But it wasn’t a relationship, I would say. Sometimes you just have this mentality like ….”Let’s not think too much and just see where it will go”. But can this be a mentality where you just ignore reality and you get disappointed in the end? To be honest, I don’t know.. And I dont want to think about it too much. I did ask K.L. about all of this and the reaction was quite similar….Just go with the flow and see what happens.. It was difficult at times..And of course…better to be confronted with the truth than comforted with a lie..But I will be honest..This feeling was something I had never experienced before and it felt so good..Until one night, I received a text message saying “Can you please call me? We need to talk”

My heart started beating faster and I think I knew I was being confronted with the truth…..